Filming began in 1992. Gary was as
devoted as ever and I knew that by even entertaining thoughts of Jude, I
was jeopardising an idyllic home life, the most secure relationship I'd
ever had.
I crushed my
unwelcome ideas about Jude, but it wasn't easy. I was beginning to
prefer this straightforward young man to my intellectual older husband.
Still, I tried to reject my dark thoughts, until it became clear that
Jude was interested in me, too.
A
night shoot in which we sat in a car was almost painful, so powerful
was the force drawing me to him. He turned to me, his stare intense and
hungry. I allowed my gaze to take him in as his almond-shaped,
avocado-green eyes thundered their way into my soul. His head was shaved
and he was wearing tight black trousers. Time slowed down inside our
bubble and I realised we were destined to be together. 'Cut!' shouted
the director, shaking us back to reality.
After
that we spent all our time together between shots, hanging out in my
caravan. Jude would chain-smoke and loaf around with his rangy arms and
legs dangling. His easy charm and calm were a breath of fresh air after
Gary's controlled power-dressing and artistic leanings.
The more I felt for Jude, the more
guilt I felt. Much as I tried to fix things with Gary, we started to
row. I couldn't be logical about the attraction to Jude. It seemed I was
suffering from 'paradise syndrome'. I had it all - a career and a
perfect family - but I felt I had to destroy whatever was good before
someone took it from me.
1992年电影开拍。Gary对我始终如一，我明白只要对Jude产生一点哪怕只是玩笑的想法都会危及到这恬静的家庭生活，这是我有史以来经历的最安稳的生活。Jude会抽着烟甩着他瘦长的四肢到处闲逛。
我试图把对Jude的非分之想碾碎，可是太难了。我开始把这个坦诚率真的年轻人同我成熟稳重的丈夫做比较。但我仍然抗拒着内心阴暗的想法，直到我能确定Jude对我也有兴趣。
晚上在车里的戏简直是痛苦的煎熬，他是那样让我无法抗拒。他转过身面对着我，眼神热切而渴望。我放任自己沉醉在他鳄梨绿的杏眼中，而这双眼睛就这样大张旗鼓地闯进了我的心。他剪短了头发，穿着紧身的黑裤子。时间好像在我们之间慢了下来，我感觉到我们是命中注定要在一起的。‘Cut’导演喊，我们被拉回了现实。（x，某洛那眼神难道不是剧情需要吗？这女人动不动就命中注定神马的真的不是她自己想多了麽
）
从那以后我们拍摄的间隙总是在一起，在我的拖车里。与Gary强烈的控制欲与艺术倾向相比，他随性的魅力与沉着冷静对我来说就是新鲜空气。
对Jude的感觉越是强烈，我就越是感到内疚。我太想修复跟Gary之间的关系，于是我们开始争吵。Jude对我的吸引无法用逻辑来解释，我就像是得了“天堂综合症”。我有事业，有完美的家庭，可是我总觉得我必须在别人抢走这一切之前亲手把她毁掉。（泥煤的真是个可怕的女人
，裘你千万表跟她复婚！）
【未完待续】
